Relationship dysfunctional

Ok everyone, It is me Karen and I vanished on you guys for a while. I met a guy. A great guy. We have become inseperable and life was great again. Something I thought I would never feel after MM. We have been going place and takes me out dancing, movies, and the other blah blah blah things couples do. Very affectionate man. We became so close so quickly. My son likes him, my parents like him, he is very cute (or at least to me). Displays the only one woman for me qualities. I am 46 and he is 43.

Where did I find this guy you may be asking. Well, a girl and a guy who are now married that I went to high school with new this guy and wanted to set me up with him all summer. I declined the setup. Seems on the other end he was also declining the setup because his girlfriend passed away from a freak thing. She went in to the hospital for some type of back surgery and got a staff infection and died. After summer passed and we rolled around to the November 2008 time frame. The girl from school did a tricky meet and greet.

If your wondering why the title of this is relationship disfunctional just keep reading.

I had some paperwork to give to her and she called me to say she wasn't at work that Friday and would catch up with me over the weekend. She called and was at local place within two miles of my house and said come by there and drop the paperwork off. I did and she had done a similar thing with the guy. We both ended up there to meet them within minutes of each other. My girlfriend bought both of us a beer and vanished, leaving us to talk to each other for at least one beer. One thing led to another and we became the couple that all are friends envied being so close to each other. Our pasts were similar in some ways with interests, past drug addiction, moving around and bieng divorced. Lets see here, we may need to shorten the story here a little bit.

Then the bottom fell out. I sit her now typing this message to you guys because I don't want to talk to anyone here about it. No reason to talk to his friends about this and I feel like a fool going to my friends who thought everything was so great to tell them the wonderful guy just forced me to be evaluating never seeing him again.

Right now I am a little, no a lot emotional. For the past week the wonderful guy has seemed very tired. Could be lots of reasons for that such as sick, working long hours, blah, blah, blah. Me being insecure in relationships to start with was questioning this change in behavior but trying to see this relationship as being trust worthy and not to destroy it by acting on every whim thought of soemthing being wrong. Last weekend, when this strange behavior first began, it was my mothers birthday and my sone, his wife, my nephew, me and my woderful guy took her to dinner. Well this was the first day of strangeness.

He was so tired he was almost nodding out at the table. We were at Sukura, a Japanese Steak house with the food being cooked at the table and all. No matter how tired how can you nodd out during this type of dinner? Dinner ended and my son was taking my mom and dad to a local pool hall for a game of pool with his firends before taking them home. They asked us to join. The wonderful guy spoke up and said No. I was miffed at this but stayed quiet until my parents and son left. Then I asked him why he had done that. He went into this stage that I had never seen of him before. Saying I said stuff I didn't say, not making any sense at all. Next day he came back apologized said he had been wrong to act like he did but he was just exhausted from work. I wanted to believe that but now had my radar up. Something I had been happy not to have to do until this point.

The past week since then has been drastic mood changes in him from one minute to the next. Each day getting a little worse than the last. Today I tried to talk to him and explain the change I see in him and knowing his past history I asked if he had started taking any drugs again. He went off, ranting and raving about how he was being so good to me and how I was trying to pick a fight every other minute with him. We were at my house and he was really bad. falling asleep talking, staggering. He had drank 3 beers but I have seen him drink much more on many occasions and never be like this. I watched him rant and rave about things I had no clue what he was talking about and eventually he went and got in my bed and went to sleep. He is in condition to drive home the way he is.

Since I know you can't argue with someone when they are messed up I see no sonce in waking him right now. It will only make an argument, but I can tell you I will not get in that bed with him tonight and may never again. He broke my trust tonight but I am also guilty. I invaded his privacy. Now I sit here and think I shouldn't have done what I did and I should have been smart enough to know he was on something and ended this the night of my mother birthday. But I wanted to trust him. As you can probably figure out by now, after he went to sleep in my bed I checked pockets of pants first (found nothing there) then his jacket. Guess what I found. Two types of pills and pill bottles.

I didn't know what these pills were and looked them up on line. One is a generic version of Xanax and the other is Methadone. That combination with the beer could have made, no did make him intoxicated to the point of not being able to think or talk with any sense and his staggering.

The way I see it is that I have two options. One - end it as soon as he wakes up in a somwhat more coherent state in morning or two - tell him what I did and offer him the option to get help and/or stop the pills if he wants to continue our relationship. The problem I have with the second option is that he has already lied to me and if lied about this what else will he lie about. Its clear with this incident that when confronted directly about the issue he denied it. Who knows, he may end it with me for going through his pockets.

I am not sure what to do here but I can tell you I am leaning toward option one as this is being written. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to check up on someone to make sure they are telling the truth or who if I see something strange and I ask doesn't be honest.

I have been in several relationships over the years and none of them have worked out. The only common denominator in these relationships has been me. This tells me something. If a guy gets fired at every job and blames it on the a bad boss you eventually realize it wasn't bad bosses but bad employee. In my case its bad relationship partner. I am 46 years old and I am relationship dysfunctional. I am accepting living life alone without a partner.

I really needed to talk about this tonight to clear my head for the morning conversation. Thank all of you for being on this site for me tonight. I know that if this leaves me in a bad way all of you will be there to help me through it.

hey there! I know you're probably going through a thousand different emotions right now. The first one should be to protect yourself, your family and your friends.

Ok, then take a step backward and start to look at the situation as it REALLY is. You are in love with someone who is a drug addict. That is what it is nothing more, nothing less.

Who cares how you GOT the information, the fact is you ARE correct in your assumption, your gut, your everything inside that tells you this is BAD.

You KNOW the road or path that lay before you now..it's a path I was on briefly with a woman who was a pathological liar and possibly an alcoholic...Yep, I loved her, but I was not willing to start sacrificing my life, my children's life, and a life together where I always had to guess what would happen next.

Your boyfriend is mixing a LETHAL cocktail and it''s only going to get worse..you know that. There is no excuse for taking drugs like that except to seek out to destroy the very things you work for....and you know that once there is an addiction, there is the nasty habit of FEEDING that addiction which includes LYING, STEALING and probably a lot of other stuff.

There is no need to look at how you are relationship dysfunctional..the key here is to look for your sanity and survival. Anyone can tell you about enabling and co-dependency....this is the part of the life path where you part ways.

I know you are tormented by your feelings....but if you look at your feelings, you were able to struggle your way out of a VERY addictive relationship with MM....you DID it....you pulled it off....the key here is to also remain true to your convictions, your family and yourself.

You DID the right thing by confirming your suspicions. You did the right thing by acting on your gut...and you WILL do the right thing by staying strong and true to yourself...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! Congratulate yourself and you can look back on your past to see how long it would have taken you to get to the bottom of your suspicions in past relationships..you ARE making progress!

Who cares whether you attract whatever kind of man...don't worry about that..just know you are on the path to healthy and occasionally others want to take you to the UNHEALTHY place..don't go there!

OMHO I'd say if you wouldn't want your children around this type of individual then why are you? Even grown children are still learning from us. If you stay with this guy you are telling your son that it's ok for him to do drugs, hang out with someone who does drugs, etc... Not to mention that you are putting yourself at legal risks being associated with this person. Lets face it if they know he's a user, who knows, he may be under investigation. Is that a risk you are willing to take? Last, I see all the earmarks for abuse here. if he is yelling now his next move may involve hitting....I lived this PLEASE, PLEASE be careful & get away from him ASAP. If you are a recovering addict you CAN NOT be around a user, no matter how long you've been sober.

I think Gemini's post is from experience and actually offers MORE insight...she is VERY right here.....putting all emotions aside, doing the right thing is DOING the right thing. I have a zero tolerance for anything like this in ANY relationship I am in.

At this stage of your life, adding additional risks of injury AND legal consequence is just too much to bear. You have to protect yourself AND your family.....

I didn't mean to sound harsh. Your story just brought back a flood of memories I have tried so hard to overcome. My marriage started out so good and all seemed right with the world. Then as time went on, he started changing. He started getting agitated everytime I went out with family and friends. He progressed into yelling & shouting. It didn't take long before the shouts turned in threats then hitting. He too was a recovering alcoholic...needless to say he had started drinking again.

MU this man tried to kill me when I filed for divorce after he tried to throw me down a flight of stairs the previous day. He even tried to kidnap my daughter. This man who swore before God to love and care for me, tried to kill me on more than one occasion.

I am concerned that if ur man is doing the things he is already, it can only get worse. I don't want to see you go through what I have. PLEASE get out if you can...get help if you have to. Do this for yourself and your family. I seriously believe that I wouldn't be here today if I had stayed with him. That's why I am really concerned for you.

I may not be family but sometimes friends are closer than family. In this case I am telling you from experience, you deserve much better.
I am here if you need me.
May