She contacted me....

For the first time in EXACTLY 8 months I heard from MW on saturday night via a text message. She basically said hi and wanted to see how i was doing. Our last conversation ended with a lot of name calling and anger. I did let her know that she has been on my ming and she will always be in my heart. I was hoping this could be our closer and we can move on. I would like to tell everyone that even though my heart ached and I missed her I knew not contacting her has been the bet thing for me to move on. I talked in length with SD and MU about this and I really can say i hope she doesnt contact me again. I want to move on. I know I will think of her everyday.... I will. If she were to contact me again I know it will mess with my head and to be honest, I have no clue what to do.

I sent a very clear message by taking out a restraining order. He is now divorced and tried it again, since his address has changed, I took out another. My couselor challenged me to do this in June, it was the hardest thing I have done in a very long time, because I knew it made it final, and it was a very emotional point for me to stamp out that finality. In retrospect, I am very glad I did it. Hope you find peace with this woman. She doesn't deserve your heart and you don't deserve the pain.

Lisa

A restraining order? I think that is a bit extreme for me to go to that length. if she were to contact me again I will talk to my sponsor and close friend who can give me a clear and sane advice. No sense in worrying about something that hasnt happened yet.

Indeed, that is your choice. I was just telling you what worked for me, it WAS extreme, but it also created the closure I needed. And, my healing is what is most important to me.

Lisa

Lisa,

Every situation is different though. You can't just put something out there like RESTRAINING ORDER as a viable option unless he/she is being stalked, abused or harrassed on several occasions. I never once mentioned that. I stated this was the FIRST contact in 8 months.

I am curious...at what point does one consider taking out a restraining order? typically it is used to protect against physical contact...or is it used to protect against verbal or internet contact as well?

I know that you cared deeply for this man...I am just confused to where it took a restraining order turn.

Can you enlighten us?

In Toledo's case as in many cases here, the MP contacts the single person out of fear of losing a sense of control of the situation. His case is very very similar to many I have dealt with here and on other sites.

I can see if he had told her never contact him again..that was not the case...his situation is just about how to deal with the emotional flood that the MP has put upon him..granted he allowed part of that flood, but that is why this recovery thing is so tricky.

I would be very curious to hear your thoughts about your restraining order and the events that would lead up to such an action as well as him (chuck)violating the restraining order...

I was being contacted, 4 times AFTER I told him to stop and he did physically come to see me. In NC, you can restrain againt contact either by phone, text, email, or in person.

Lisa

Toledorio wrote:For the first time in EXACTLY 8 months I heard from MW on saturday night via a text message. She basically said hi and wanted to see how i was doing. Our last conversation ended with a lot of name calling and anger. I did let her know that she has been on my ming and she will always be in my heart. I was hoping this could be our closer and we can move on. I would like to tell everyone that even though my heart ached and I missed her I knew not contacting her has been the bet thing for me to move on. I talked in length with SD and MU about this and I really can say i hope she doesnt contact me again. I want to move on. I know I will think of her everyday.... I will. If she were to contact me again I know it will mess with my head and to be honest, I have no clue what to do.

Toledo,

As hard as it is, if it is to end, someone has to decide to not respond and not phish anymore. You can either decide in your head it is over, that is all that is really needed for closure, or you can text her, e-mail her or even call her ONE FINAL TIME. and Make it be just that. THE LAST TIME. IF nobody does this, it very well may never end, some affairs don't.

If you do this, don't ask for any info (for example "how have you been") or offer any, just say what you have to say or as I say in my voicemail intro, "State your business, do it politely and be done with it"

Many of us, including myself, have said, "IT's too hard, I can't do it" YOU CAN!!!! I am no plethora of strength, but not only did I do that, I have ended several unhealthy relationships lately and can say, I am alone, by choice. Yes, I am dating, but NOT looking for anything serious. I just am not whole. I gave my heart away and I haven't gotten it all back yet. The only person I truly share my heart with is my son, now.

We are with you.
Lisa

I think that closure is within our selves. If you have decided your done then there is no reason to make or return contact. What purpose does calling or texting to have the last word serve. To me that is controlling in its self.

If you send out a last word of anger you haven't had closure. You blew off some steam and as another posting line said your deceiving yourself by saying its closure to justify doing it. Your really looking for a response and when you don't get it the emotions go all wacky again.

So you send a message being nice and courteous to say its over. Again what is the point? How does that provide closure? It is once again hiding a lie from yourself with justification. Again the emotions go wacky when we don't get a response to our gesture.

In most cases those of us here have done the closure drill of communicaiton many times over. It is not the courtesy of telling the guy your friends tried to hook you up with that your really not interested and letting him move on. We do the drill as a last ditch effort to get them to communicate with us be it angry or sweet.

If you have decided within yourself your done you will not respond to or initiate the contact. When you get that 8 month later text it will still put that feeling of loss right back to the surface. If you respond you will be right back where you were. If you don't respond you will let it go again and keep on keeping on.

One more little note - You wont get back on track very quickly if you keep the message. Each time you think of them you will look at ir or listen to it. The more you look and listen the longer you will stray from your path to a healthier life.

I know everyone has their own way to closure but closure is closure. If you want to think of it in a simpler way relate it to closing a door. When you close the door you are on one side or the other. If you want to communicate with someone on the other side you slip a note under it, you look through the peep hole, you knock or yell to the person on the other side of it so what is the point of closing door? When you close the door you walk away and no words are needed. You said your goodbye before you closed the door.

Just one opinion and I am open to hear others. I have been known to change my mind every now and then and even see things in a different light when provided another point of view.

I like what you said MU and agree with you.

Lisa

I think in affairs closure is a two way street...with the second one the part you have NO control over...that part is with the other person...

At any given time, they can and will text you...they will call, they will email, and they may even show up at your doorstep....

the only control we have is our reactions..and we all know sometimes we just don;t have it in us to say no this time..or maybe we just had the shittiest day ever and the MP shows up with arms wide open....

It is tough, this thing called recovery...i struggled with it for so long that I have come to accept it as a way of life for me. when I see that I am not being prodcutive and living in the NOW, i say to myself that I need to move forward....

And yes, I come here..to those that understand that sometimes there's that chatter in your head about the MP..whether you've closed the door physically, they still exist in your memory...and in your head..and unfortunately you cannot erase your memory or rip your head off....

And yes, sometimes we need to go to extremes as in the case with Lisa's restraining order. But I have learned in reading her posts, the perhaps her restraining order was more for HER than his coming back into her life...

Maybe lisa needed the biggest thing she could think of to shut that emotion off...a TRO! As much as I would disagree with doing something that drastic, I have to applaud her effort in dealing with an irrational situation..sometimes irrationality begets irrationality!

I know that if my MW showed up at my door, I would have heart palpatations for a week! I would be a total shit mess....and i don't want to feel that way...

So maybe Lisa's actions were for her..in the best way she could deal with it...

I believe an affair can be closed unilaterally. If it would make the closer feel enough better to do ONE FINAL CONTACT, I think it is acceptable, as long as it is limited to ONE FINAL CONTACT. A final contact is a statment, NOT a phishing expedition. If closure is unilateral and mutually accomplished, then that is even better. Just my .02.

Lisa

I know I said this email, text or call was the final one on many occassions and then did it again over and over. It is vry hard to say what is real when you are very emotional and alsthough we think at that moment it is the final contact it often isn't. If it is final what does one more thing need to be stated for? What purpose does it serve?

Because it is my opinion which differs from yours and I wanted to state it again also, as I had said above that I ageed with you. LIke you said, the door isn't closed if you keep looking under it and through the peep hole to send or receive info, that's all.

However, some people (not I) feel that they need to leave things "on good terms" as if one more call, text, email, etc. is actually gonna change the other's overall perception of the relationship. Sometimes people just need or feel like they need to give and/or receive this, in this case if the apology is of a pretty grand scale and is part of someones ammends necessary for closure, I can see an indication for it.