It's Getting Better All the tiime

Hi All~

I just have this sense in my gut that many of you are slowly getting back into your life again without the MP. this does not mean that you have all but forgotten that MP, but the realities of the situation are getting more real to you.

I know for me that I had to really hit bottom before I could get my way out of my crap. And looking back, it just seems to get more clear how much crap I endured. As I had predicted, my MW is still in her shitty situation and still complaining about her life. I have heard through the grapevine that she is not getting on with her life...she is living in her past.

Not that living in the past is such a bad thing, but I have slowly realized that we do whatever it takes to get us through our pain..whether that means getting into an unhealthy relationship, drinking too much, watching porn too much or whatever numbs the reality of today. I know I feared living in the moment or even looking toward a future...but now those are realities for me..realities that I can look forward to.

I have learned so much about myself in this journey. And I do believe it's a journey or maybe this affair was a detour of my journey..either way, I am taking from it positive lessons. I learned that I did what I do to get just enough of a relationship that I could sort of call it one...but not one that required me to really LIVE in a relationship..to give back, to deal with some of my crap...to avoid planning for the future...to avoid really dealing with my shitty realities.

I am still learning or RELEARNING how to give more of myself without retreating into a cave when I have to face my fears...fears of money, of true intimacy, of my own procrastination, fear of confrontation, or of feeling like I deserve real happiness..maybe I even just was too lazy to work at a real relationship!!!!

My point is, once I started letting go of the unhealthy behaviors and try fitting healthy ones into our lives, I started to realize that I can move forward. I can start to succeed....and the worst part of all of this is facing just how much time, money, and energy that was wasted on holding together an unhealthy relationship. It's not that I did not feel things for my MW...I did..but they were just unhealthy...and I can deal with that fact. I was unhealthy...and I have to continue to work at it every day! It is hard work to stay in line..it's so easy to just get into unhealthy because if its familiarity.

I now look at my affair with MW as a point in my life when I felt desperate...when I felt unworthy of having good things in my life....and as I look back on all of it, I am still amazed that was me....that I could take another man's wife! That I could do destruction to a family..that I could believe my own fantasy...that I could forsake all my own beliefs and live a lie.

I am at a happy point in my life. I do look back on some of the moments I shared with MW and peel back just one layer of that high and realize that I often faced a devastating LOW afterward that I masked with just not being there! I look at all the things I let go in my life...i almost lost my business...my own family....my outlook on life....

I really do now feel like my fog is slowly lifting....damn the sunshine feels good against my face!

Wish I were getting on with my life. I was going along really well until he called me and said how much I had been on his mind and that he loved me. I actually hung up on him when he admitted he loved me. Scared the bejeezers out of me and pissed me off too. Then he was at my door and in my arms.

Oh, honey! My heart goes out to you! That takes so much strength to deal with!!!
hugs and love,
Mandy

You got that right. NOw I am back to square one, feeling ignored, and thinking of him constantly. I'm just a glutton for pain and rejection obviously. Meanwhile he is at home, with his family living his life.... Where's the sense in this? Why won't I just ignore his call? Because deep down inside I don't want to say goodbye? I ought to know by now that it's gonna go back 'round in the vicious cycle? He's using me for physical needs and W for emotional needs. And I let it happen again. What a dumba$$.

Songbird~

You are NOT a dumbass. You are merely a woman wanting to be loved the way you give it....wanting so desperately to be loved in a way that gives you comfort....I know all too well..I loved MW with all my heart. I gave everything I had. I hung on every word. I waited....

And one day, i did something for me. I did not want to feel that emptiness anymore...i did not want to feel that pain....and it was pain...pain all the time!

And you will slowly stop that pain...it takes so much strength...and yet that pain you endure takes even more strength....

When you are ready for that pain to stop, you will be on your way to recovery..and we will all be here to catch you!

This is all true SD. I do want to be loved the way I give it. I gotta stop playing this martyr role here, though. It's so counter productive and yet I just keep putting myself in it.

Like you have said, when I have really had enough and reconcile within myself that enough is enough, well then just maybe I can move towards , normal, healthy, whatever......

Actually I have been talking to MM abt this. Telling him , basically all the feelings that I have abt how wrong this is, blah, blah, blah. He says, he would be fine with me meeting someone and being happy with a significant other as long as I don't cut him out. He says, he'll meet my physical needs and the SO can meet my emotional needs. WTF?!

see how f***ed up that sounds....come on.....do you really want that kind of life..

My girlfriend is now my best friend and she is an incredible lover and so she meets my emotional needs and really meets my physical needs....and guess what...there's no pain at the end of the day!

I am happy for you. It must be a relief at best to know that now and the coming yr. you have many things to look forward to. peace....