Journal

Hi all~

In one of my last posts, I mentioned "where were you this time last year?" Well, I thought I was in bad shape...but apparently, my mind sugar coated it!!!!!!

I had been journaling for the past 13 years when I started to go through my divorce....I would write down my feelings (how I REALLY felt) and what I thought was causing those feelings, whether good or bad! I wrote a lot about when my affair started and how scared I was of getting caught. I also wrote how painful it would be to get caught as I was falling in love with MW. As the relationship blossomed, my life took on a new road...a new journey and things started going badly for me gradually!

I sort of shrugged off some of the bad things because I was with the love of my life at that time (MW) And then my writing started to change. I started writing my doubts about her. I started seeing things realistically. I started to see the cracks appear...yet I continued the affair because I convinced myself it was love.

And then the writings took a drastic turn as D-Day hit and all the "stuff" started to unravel. My life became out of control. I started writing all the "times" when MW could not see me, or would hang up on me as her husband grew more aware of the affair. I perpetuated the deviant behavior by counter acting everything HE was doing to save his marriage. I defended my actions. He "offered" her to me by dropping her on my lawn if i wanted to continue the affair. I told him he was crazy.

The fact was, I was crazy. I wanted her, but I did not want ALL of her. I did not want to deal with her family hating my guts if we continued. I did not want to raise her 3 boys here because I knew they would hate me for breaking up their family. And I slowly started to see signs of her flirting with others because of her regained sexuality.

I HATED to admit these things to anyone, so I just wrote them. I tucked the journal away about 6 months ago and never looked back..UNTIL last night. And then it hit me how BAD of a shape I was in. All the shit I told myself and believed. I was also conflicted, because I did have intense feelings for MW...I just ignored the background noise of our relationship...and ignoring those things are the VERY things that destroy a marriage if one should develop from an affair.

so where does that leave me this morning? It leaves me with the hope I can truly recover from this thing called an affair. It gives me hope that I can see things for how they really are rather than how I imagine them to be. It also gives me hope that as I build this new healthy relationship, things can grow solidly and without fear and pain. I just have hope now.

SD,

That is a really healthy way to do it! Breaking up is not easy to do, but sometimes it is just necessary. It takes time to move on and to heal.

Good work!
hugs and love,
Mandy