Today I feel.....

Restless..

I feel restless because it feels like no matter how hard I try nothing seems to be going right. I just don't seem to have the patience to wait for things to fall into place. I have been putting out new applications and sending out resumes. I haven't ever been very good at the waiting game.


I started this thread because I thought it can be a good place to stop & just say hi or to vent a little without having to be under any certain topic. Feel free to add how your day is going.

Hugs,
May

Hi May

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I had a busy week. I am doing okay. I did some teacher observations today at a high school. I am working on my BA and certification to teach high school. My husband started a new job. I hope and pray that he gets it together. In one year I will be finishing my student teaching and looking for a job. I cannot wait to be earning my own paycheck.

Life has a lot of ups and downs. When I am down, I always count my blessings.

Hugs and love,
Mandy

Today I feel really lucky! I was involved in a major car accident yesterday and I am sooooooooooo happy that no one was seriously hurt!!! I thanked EVERYONE who helped....they took me away on a stretcher with my head taped to a board, but I am soooooo thankful for everyone!!!

It's a pretty damn good feeling!

Sometimes to be thankful we have to look at others and who are having a harder time than we are. If we can see a glimmer of happiness in the person with deeper trouble than ourselves it will help us to see our problems with a different view.

Hi to everyone and SD I am so glad you are ok.

Hey everyone,

It's been ages since I posted anything. I just wanted to take a moment and say that I learned a few things on this journey that I'm still trying to sort out....good things, hopeful and helpful.

The trip is hard...but there are things on the other side that make it worth getting through. Your life can turn around in an instant if you are ready (and that is the key - you have to come far enough to be 'ready'). You can love again, you can love better than you did before. The pain that other person put you through can teach you accept the best from someone else, and feel like you deserve it. You will wonder how you got by on anything less....

I wish I could put my thoughts down more coherently. But, it's true.....there is 'better' out there. The hardest part really was letting go.....

Orienne

SD,
I am sooooo happy to hear you are ok. I have been there. Mine was in Sept. I still have physical problem from that accident. I felt fine the day of the wreck, things got worse as time went on, so keep all your dr apts & take of yourself if you start not feeling right. Don't wait, get looked at right away to keep things from gettin worse. You are sooo right about looking at life differently. I think it was my wreck that made me wake up & see that I had to end things with my MP. There I was 3 hrs away from home in a strange hospital & had no-one to even call. I'll keep you in my prayers for your continued health.

I am glad to hear things are getting better for everyone else. I am starting to relax more & actually enjoy the time I have to just rest. I am still stressed, but not nearly as much as I was when I was working both jobs. I did get a new business offer that may just allow me to make some extra money & to make my own schedule while doing it. I'm gonna look into it a little more before jumping in just yet.

gotta run for a lil bit....I'll stop back later.
Hugs
May

Today I feel so discouraged :/

It was my first day in the hospital with a real patient and my instructor and nurse were nowhere to be found. I floundered through trying to give my patient a bath, change his bedding and empty the bag on his foley catheter etc. Somehow when moving him from the chair to the bed, one of his IVs disconnected and he started bleeding all over everywhere. I grabbed a towel and called for the nurse who wasn't mean or friendly about what may or may not have been my mistake. She just fixed his IV and told me to clean up his bloody arm. It had taken me forever to figure out how to get him into a new gown and get him back to bed and he had bled on the gown and sheets and I pretty much had to start from scratch.

The rest of my clinical group all seemed to know each other from working together in lab (my friends are in a diff unit) so they were helping each other out but I was on my own. They got finished with their charting way before I did and I was stuck staying behind being helped by my instructor. It just sucked. I did get to do vitals, take a blood glucose reading, and disconnect a urinary catheter. The rest of the day was just about feeling clueless and in the way. How can I get all As in class and yet be completely inept? I don't want to be one of those book smart but no common sense smarts people :/

MM was going to come over just to hang out and let me practice blood pressures on him yesterday but waited till I got offline to send me an email cancelling because he was too afraid he might try something. I wasn't planning on letting him try something and it was crushing to me that he cancelled on a day when I so definitely needed a friend to distract me.

If HE had called me freaking out about a work presentation I would have went to him and massaged him and let him practice his speech and given him tips and built him up until he believed in himself. Do I do too much for other people? Or do I just only like jerks? I don't know.

Glad everybody else is doing better.

Lilla

Lilla~
I'm sorry to hear your day went so bad, but don't think for a min. that you can't do this. How many times did we fall when we first learned to walk? Just be cause this patient went badly doesn't mean the next will. Each case will present it's own unique complexities. As you continue to work you will learn how to adapt to these little problems. School shows how it should be when everything goes right, they don't show us how very often it isn't ideal. You do know what you need to do..right now you just need faith in yourself to do it. Net time you have a hard time just ask yourself "what do I have to do to get it back to it like at school"... once you get it to that point everything will fall into place.

As for doing too much for others, I don't think so. You have a special gift... it's called compassion. Treasure it, too many people today have no idea what that is. In these times of instant gratification too many people don't consider how the things they do effect someone else. Those that do take the time for someone else in a time of need give a very special gift. When we give the gift of ourselves we give a gift nothing in the world can replace. I don't know about the jerk part either. Just that when we took on an MP, we gave up our "right" (for lack of better term) to expect them to be able to clear their schedule just for us in a time of need. We, wether we knowingly or not, agreed that we would SHARE that place of importance to them.

I hope you are feeling a little bit better & I certainly hope things get better for you tomorrow.
Hugs,
May

Thanks for your kind words, May. I wish I could just quit caring about MM. Even though I'm not tempted to sleep with him anymore I still hold out hope for us in the future and I still really crave his attention.

I'm not going to give up the nursing thing but it just makes me angry that senior staff aren't more supportive of students. Do we come and basically screw stuff up and make more work for them? Probably. But we don't MEAN to. Is it so hard to remember what it was like to be new and scared? Someday I will be a good nurse and when a little floundering newbie makes extra work for me I will make her feel better by telling her stories of my screw-ups while I fix her messes. I will not be a b#tch!

I should look on the bright side that my patient was friendly and seemed to find my ineptness kind of charming in a goofy way. He was way nicer than the nurses--odd considering he'd just lost half of a pancreas.

Sounds to me you will be a great instructor someday too. Why not ask one of the senior staff why they aren't more willing to help out? Maybe they don't realize that you are/were floundering as much as you are/were. Sometimes it just takes a little reminding to bring them to their senses. Sometimes we do forget what it was like when we were new at our jobs & expect more than a newbie can handle right away. (I used to train designers, on occasion I would give a lil too much work with a tight deadline to a newbie. On occasion they would surprise me & get it all done, but most of the time I was disappointed only then to realize it was my fault for expecting too much too soon. When training new people it hard to guage how much help they will need till you throw them in the deep end & see how long they can stay afloat.)

I still crave MM's attention too sometimes. I miss our just talking & watching the football games together. I miss the way he looked at me & knew what kind of day I was having. I know in my heart I will never have this kind of love again, and I feel sad about that. The good thing is now that I know this kind of love does exist I will not settle for less even from someone available to a relationship. I'd love for it to be MM that calls me & finally says Honey I'm free to be yours and yours alone. Realistically I don't see that happening.